The story is all around us

The other day I was listening to an interview with Ricky Gervais on NPR and he was saying that ordinary, real life encounters really make the best stories, and if you spend ten minutes walking down the street, you will encounter so much drama. I've been thinking about that, and how much story is constantly going on, mostly in my own head. I know I am not alone in this. We all have the ticking narrative, the commentator that is constantly describing what is going on in front of our eyes. Like those annoying broadcasters during the Olympics who were constantly spewing useless trivia while some amazing moment was happening on the screen. Do our lives really need that accompaniment? I wanted to turn on the "mute" button. I want to do that in my mind all the time.

I think that is why many of us practice Yoga, even if we don't admit that is the main reason. We all want a way to quiet our minds and find peace. Perhaps we have felt at some moment in our practice a sense of being in the moment without the words, and it felt pretty awesome. Almost as awesome as a magnificently strong and flexibile body, this joy of just being without having to label, judge, or react. Jon Kabat Zinn calls it "being-ness". Even if it's only for a second, we can experience this, though we hope with more practice we could get a little more time there (like 5 seconds!!).

My most recent teacher of Yoga is an 11month old girl named Grace (I may have mentioned her before). Grace practices Yoga from the moment she wakes up in the morning. I can hear her on the monitor, greeting her body and the world with her breath and wordless songs. I can hear her moving and exploring. Then, I go in to join her and, I noticed recently that I immediately start labeling things....good morning kitty, good morning blanket, hello daddy, diaper, toys. I realized that I was filling her head with words. I even through a few concepts in there....is it time for breakfast? Are you thirsty? Where is the doggy? I knoew we all need to learn how to view and understand our world, and part of my role is to educate her so that she will be able to eventually move out and live on her own someday. But, I feel like I should give her a little more time to enjoy her "being-ness". I think its ok to just be quiet with Grace and just let her play and explore. It's ok to just join her in grunting and cooing without having to shape those sounds into words yet. I think about those poor kids whose parents sit in front of them with flash cards at 6 months old. Why?? Why do we need to grow their frontal lobes. The world is already too fast for all of us. And, when I think about how fast, how wildly technological, how zany it's going to be by the time Grace is an adult, I want to move to an island somewhere and just let her run around naked and grow her hair and eat coconuts. I'm not kidding. I get scared for her sometimes. I want to protect her from filling her mind and creating habits that take her away from this pure self that she wakes up with everyday. She is such a light! I want her to continue to shine and be clear and open and free.

My teacher suggested that I ask Grace what she thinks that "thing" is. What might she discover. Maybe she will find a more inituitive experience of this thing than I can describe right now with my limited mind. I just keep running the same old narrative in my mind, while Grace talks to the angels in her crib. I want to learn that language, that song. So, I get up before Grace now every morning and do my Yoga practice. I spend time in poses, in breathing and deep relaxation. I meditate and try to clear my mind. So, that I can meet her in the space of being-ness and let her teach me. And, let this life teach us both. I can't wait to see what we learn tomorrow!

No Means Yes

I just realized that this blog was created for me to write about Yoga and life, but so far I've written mostly about Grace. Well, she's the center of my world right now. And, being her Mom is my Yoga these days.

I have to say, without being completely immodest and annoying about it, that I our daughter is brilliant. She has learned so much in her short stay on this planet so far, it's unbelievable. "She's advanced", my sister reports every time she sees her doing another amazing thing. And, I nod beaming. I still have to blink and shake my head to clear the thoughts of ultrasound images and labor contractions out of my brain to see that she is crawling across the floor and climbing up the stairs, waving her hand bye bye and clearly recognizing words like Daddy, kitty, milk, and many others. How did she figure all of this out already?

A week ago, she learned how to climb on Daddy's back when he asked if she wanted a "piggie back ride". The other day, she was greeting people in Wegmans with a wave of the hand and a cheery "hiiiyyyyeee".

Today, she learned that "no" means "no, and yes". Wait a minute...

Basically, Grace shakes her head "no" in response to any question. "Are you hungry?" No, and then she opens her mouth. "Would you like to play with this toy?" No, and then she grabs it. Or, maybe at first, she pulls away, then changes her mind and goes after it. Today, we played a joke on her...."is your name Grace?" NO, she shakes her head. In Grace's world, no means yes, or no, or maybe. No means respond when the voice sound goes up at the end of the sentence. No means I'm talking to you....yes, we are now having a conversation. Me and this person who was just a seahorse floating around in my belly a short while ago. Me and this little being who still drinks from my breast, is shaking her head at me and she really means it.
I can't stand it!!!

Of course, my new Mom neurosis caused me to think that I'm doing something wrong and teaching my daughter a twisted sense of morality. I need to somehow show her that "no means no" so, there's no confusion. I should have done the sign language, I think to myself. Oh no....will she only do well on the multiple choice and essay test questions in school? What will she do?

HEEHEE....dont worry Gracie....you are still my brilliant light. For now, no can mean yes, maybe and I LOVE YOU too. I'm just so excited to see how you are expressing yourself. I can't wait to see what you say next. I probably only have to wait until tomorrow...

Goodnight Grace

I sat in the rocking chair tonight after feeding Grace and watched her sleeping. I was trying to look closely at her, not just her beauty, which was already making my heart break, but also her presence, the warmth of her being. So many nights I have woken to feed her and hurried back for just a little more sleep. But, tonight I was awake and I just wanted to stay with her a little while longer. Grace slipped into REM sleep and her eyes started to move and her lips parted as she relaxed deeper into my arms. I kissed her face and smelled her hair and when I sat up again to look, her face was twitching into a little smile....she was dreaming. There was a shudder inside of me as I realized in an instant, that there is a depth to this child, in her body/mind. Layers of consciousness. A wide and mysterious depth that I will never be able to really know or touch. This little being, created inside of me, has in her a world I cannot see or understand. And, even as she learns to express herself, and we learn more about her, we can never really know her inner world. She is alone there, with her own impressions, colors, sights and sounds. Images, dreams, messages from her heart, the Source. As I try to even find the words here, I feel at a loss. The indescribable in me, that I have searched for all these years, is the same indescribable in her. The same mystery....all at once amazing and terrifying to me. I feel a bit of sadness, that there is something about my daughter that is untouchable. The same ache I feel inside for my own inner voice....come to me! That is why I practice, ofcourse. That's what I believe so many of us are searching for. What we want to grasp in each other as well. We want to see into each other's souls. But, there will always be that depth, that existential aloneness, perhaps. These days, I think I feel a bit lonely. I think it's because I want to grasp. And, as I said in an earlier post, the letting go leads back to the truth. Letting go, perhaps I may see that all that is in Grace is in me, is in you, in all. And, perhaps it's not so scary and mysterious at all. Perhaps it's very simple, and accessible too. Yes, that feels right. All is communicated through love. It's all right here...if I relax, I can feel it and I don't need to find the words...
So, I kiss her lips once more and breathe her in. And, tenderly place her back into her crib, praying for a smooth landing, and a few more hours of sleep. And, again I thank the child and the Universe for being my teachers. LOVE to all.
Goodnight.

Twenty Ten....why not dance and sing?

As I write that title, the words still seem so strange to me....2010....here we are. I was remembering today a time not so long ago when I thought, "Wow, what's it going to be like in the year 2000!". I feel like I have future shock at least once a day. I keep trying to catch up with my life, technology, and all that is going on in the world. I'm still reeling from 2009.....it was a big year for me, personally....


In the beginning of the year, Chris and I started our birth classes as we prepared for the birth of our baby. It was a time filled with hope and excitement. I kept working, teaching and dancing throughout my pregnancy, happy to take the baby along with me. I loved sharing my life with her.
In January, we celebrated as President Obama was inaugurated into office. I'm felt so grateful to be alive in that moment of our shared history. His platform gave us a sense of hope for the future as well.


In March, the doctors told me that I could take the risk to travel to North Carolina again to see my Dad, even though I was more than 27weeks and could go at any time. I had to make the trip because I knew it would be my last chance to see him. He passed away the day after we returned back home, and although I was relieved that he didn't have to suffer any more, I still grieve every day for him. I grieve for the hope that he had held onto all through his battle with lung cancer, to live to see his granddaughter. There are so many moments these days when I think, "Hey Dad, did you see that?", and I think he is here with us watching Grace's amazing accomplishments. It's a good feeling, but, I miss him so much. His death has changed me in so many ways, along with the other major event of this year...


April 28th, after many hours and through a strengfth and endurance I never knew I had, our daughter, Grace, swam into this world. I could write pages of a blog about the experience of her birth (I wrote her birth story, which I will cherish in years to come). I sit back in amazement every day at the truth of her. Her magnificent eyes, her joyful smile, those pudgy legs you just want to take a bite out of....all created from Chris and me, from my body, from our families, nourishing breastmilk, sunshine, fresh air, and LOVE. My Dad, right there in her eyes. My blood in her veins. Infinite energy and spirit lighting up every cell. Her little personality, filled with fire and independence, sweetness and a focused curiosity that penetrates into everything she's experiencing. I'm living a brand new life with this light-child. We are truly blessed.


In the summer I was back to work and the challenges of keeping my teaching business going in a changing economy. Chris has been working so hard as well, to grow his business and we have been challenged in so many ways to find the energy and balance to keep it all going - life, work, parenthood, and practice. It's not always easy. Many days we are just plain pooped! But, we still found time to celebrate at the end of this year. We had a small tree, lit up and surrounded with gifts....how fortunate we are. We spent time with family and friends, and watched the ball drop with our loved ones welcoming 2010!

I am filled with hope again. Even though I still find myself worried sometimes in the middle of the night, I find a way back to my breath and my center again. I'm inspired in so many ways and I know this will be another amazing year, filled with discoveries for Grace, tragedies and triumphs for all of us. I have no resolutions. I know better than that. But, I do have intentions and visions for this year. Whatever I wish for myself, I also wish for everyone....and it feels better not to keep it just for me. I'm grateful that I get to say these intentions out loud so often in classes, and in conversation....and, now here....


I WISH FOR ALL.....


Health


Happiness


Abundance


Creativity


LOVE



Happy 2010 friends and family.


LOVE always,


Karin





PS Here's a poem, from the Sufi poet Hafiz, that I've been reading in class this week, that inspires me for this year....





YOUR SEED POUCH

Lantern hang from the night sky


So that your eye might draw one more image of love


Upon your silk canvas before sleep





Words from Him have reached you


And, tilled a golden field inside





When all your desires are distilled


You will cast just two votes:


To love more, and be happy





Take these words from the mouth-flute of Hafiz


And mix them in your seed pouch



And when the moon says it's time to plant


Why not dance


Dance and Sing?

Falling Seeds

This time of year, all the trees in our backyard start to shed their leaves. It's been amazing to watch this week, as the leaves are literally "falling" from the trees like snowflakes. Our yard is covered with them, and the wind blows them around. Grace and I watched from the window this morning and I saw the wonder in her eyes. And, I found a sense of joy again, through her, in my own heart.

Thanks to Yoga and Meditation practice, I have an awareness of these ordinary miracles again. There were so many years of my life, so many Fall seasons, that I missed this. Most likely I was caught up in the ideas and issues on my mind. I don't know exactly where I was, but it was not in the moment, where the trees were breathing down their leaves. Somewhere else. Somewhere...

This year, there is that renewed sense of wonder, because I am sharing this with Grace. I thought about how the leaves that fall hold the seeds for the future trees and life forms to grow. I see the falling not only as the letting go of what was once alive on the branches, but as the pathway to a new life that will emerge in due time. Last year, I was starting the get heavy with Grace in my belly. This year, she is here in my arms. This year, we blow the leaves from the patio, and soon there will be more lush branches for us to admire (and, for Grace to climb on too).

The blueprint for life is written in the letting go. I want to remember that today. I often try too hard to hold on and try to make things happen. But, as Grace has been showing me, it is already happening. In just six months she has learned so much. She is sitting, rolling, babbling, and eating. She is expressing her own personality and nature, and showing us love through her body, and in the light in her eyes. The blueprint for all of her accomplishments was already written inside of her. For the most part, we have let her find her way (with some encouragement of course), and it's happening! She gets down on the floor and starts rolling and swimming and laughing.....it's so cool.

Perhaps the truth of life is written in the letting go....letting go of trying, like trying to control perhaps, how Grace is growing and evolving. Letting her go from my body. At first through labor and delivery, and now every day. I release her again and again to find her way in her body and in the world. Letting go of fears and worries, and expectations for the future, and just being here now. Maybe if I look even further.... there's an even deeper letting go here....of my Father as well, who passed away just a month before Grace was born. Through the pain and joy, so side by side, perhaps there is a lesson here in letting LIFE go (and, therefore death as well). I miss him everyday, but he is here in the light in her eyes.

My teacher, Erich Schiffman, said that "LOVE is what is left when you let go of everything you don't need". Our practice teaches us that we don't need most of what we are holding so tightly on to. It teaches us tools to let go on ever level - physically, mentally, spiritually. It asks us to have faith in the falling leaves. It is so hard and sometimes deeply painful to let go. And, sometimes we get lost and forget the wisdom that our heart knows. Thankfully, we need only to open the curtains and look out the window, or look into the eyes of a child or a friend, to be reminded.

NAMASTE,

Karin

PS This post is dedicated to Margaret "Peggy" McCoy

A blog is born

It's a Monday evening and I'm writing, erasing, and writing again this first line of the first blog again and again. I don't know how to begin. This seems funny given all the new beginnings I have experienced in the past year or so. I should be used to this. In a short period of time, I have basically begun a new life, and sometimes I don't recognize myself. Here I am - a new wife, mother, teacher, and now....another new beginning....I'm a Blogger!

A number of students and friends propelled me to start sharing my words through this medium. I am usually so free with expressing myself in my classes, and in conversation. But, writing this is strangely difficult for me. I think it's because I feel the weight of the reality that when I finish saying what I have to say, and press the "publish" button, my words go out into the ether, into what seems like an infinite space of countless possible readers. And, that notion is so daunting to me. I have been on My Space and Facebook for a while now, but I rarely post there. I mostly live a voyeristic exisitence in cyberspace, other than emails. I wonder about how what I may say will be received by so many out there. I guess it is not all that different from what I offer in classes, or when I set an intention in practice, or even when I pray. I write or speak the message and then push "send" - out into the world.

So, I'd like to give this a try. My intention is to post a blog monthly on a particular topic that relates to my Yoga practice or to an interesting life experience, and then keep the conversation going as much as possible (please be patient with this sleep deprived new Mom...thanks). Although this seems so new to me, I am reminded that new beginnings are almost always akward and uncomfortable, but we cannot transform without taking that risk and making our way through.

So, I will stop typing and retyping. I will speak from my heart and try not to worry about how it looks or sounds and just blog it out. I look forward to sharing ideas and opening up conversations. I guess this is the gift of blogging, the feeling of connection that can somehow be felt through the Universe with the touch of a button. I'm still not sure about it. I prefer a hug and a smile, and the feeling of awareness when I tune in and breathe. But, this is a start, a new beginning. Let's see what happens....

Sending LOVE.

Namaste,

Karin