I sat in the rocking chair tonight after feeding Grace and watched her sleeping. I was trying to look closely at her, not just her beauty, which was already making my heart break, but also her presence, the warmth of her being. So many nights I have woken to feed her and hurried back for just a little more sleep. But, tonight I was awake and I just wanted to stay with her a little while longer. Grace slipped into REM sleep and her eyes started to move and her lips parted as she relaxed deeper into my arms. I kissed her face and smelled her hair and when I sat up again to look, her face was twitching into a little smile....she was dreaming. There was a shudder inside of me as I realized in an instant, that there is a depth to this child, in her body/mind. Layers of consciousness. A wide and mysterious depth that I will never be able to really know or touch. This little being, created inside of me, has in her a world I cannot see or understand. And, even as she learns to express herself, and we learn more about her, we can never really know her inner world. She is alone there, with her own impressions, colors, sights and sounds. Images, dreams, messages from her heart, the Source. As I try to even find the words here, I feel at a loss. The indescribable in me, that I have searched for all these years, is the same indescribable in her. The same mystery....all at once amazing and terrifying to me. I feel a bit of sadness, that there is something about my daughter that is untouchable. The same ache I feel inside for my own inner voice....come to me! That is why I practice, ofcourse. That's what I believe so many of us are searching for. What we want to grasp in each other as well. We want to see into each other's souls. But, there will always be that depth, that existential aloneness, perhaps. These days, I think I feel a bit lonely. I think it's because I want to grasp. And, as I said in an earlier post, the letting go leads back to the truth. Letting go, perhaps I may see that all that is in Grace is in me, is in you, in all. And, perhaps it's not so scary and mysterious at all. Perhaps it's very simple, and accessible too. Yes, that feels right. All is communicated through love. It's all right here...if I relax, I can feel it and I don't need to find the words...
So, I kiss her lips once more and breathe her in. And, tenderly place her back into her crib, praying for a smooth landing, and a few more hours of sleep. And, again I thank the child and the Universe for being my teachers. LOVE to all.
Goodnight.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Twenty Ten....why not dance and sing?
As I write that title, the words still seem so strange to me....2010....here we are. I was remembering today a time not so long ago when I thought, "Wow, what's it going to be like in the year 2000!". I feel like I have future shock at least once a day. I keep trying to catch up with my life, technology, and all that is going on in the world. I'm still reeling from 2009.....it was a big year for me, personally....
In the beginning of the year, Chris and I started our birth classes as we prepared for the birth of our baby. It was a time filled with hope and excitement. I kept working, teaching and dancing throughout my pregnancy, happy to take the baby along with me. I loved sharing my life with her.
In January, we celebrated as President Obama was inaugurated into office. I'm felt so grateful to be alive in that moment of our shared history. His platform gave us a sense of hope for the future as well.
In March, the doctors told me that I could take the risk to travel to North Carolina again to see my Dad, even though I was more than 27weeks and could go at any time. I had to make the trip because I knew it would be my last chance to see him. He passed away the day after we returned back home, and although I was relieved that he didn't have to suffer any more, I still grieve every day for him. I grieve for the hope that he had held onto all through his battle with lung cancer, to live to see his granddaughter. There are so many moments these days when I think, "Hey Dad, did you see that?", and I think he is here with us watching Grace's amazing accomplishments. It's a good feeling, but, I miss him so much. His death has changed me in so many ways, along with the other major event of this year...
April 28th, after many hours and through a strengfth and endurance I never knew I had, our daughter, Grace, swam into this world. I could write pages of a blog about the experience of her birth (I wrote her birth story, which I will cherish in years to come). I sit back in amazement every day at the truth of her. Her magnificent eyes, her joyful smile, those pudgy legs you just want to take a bite out of....all created from Chris and me, from my body, from our families, nourishing breastmilk, sunshine, fresh air, and LOVE. My Dad, right there in her eyes. My blood in her veins. Infinite energy and spirit lighting up every cell. Her little personality, filled with fire and independence, sweetness and a focused curiosity that penetrates into everything she's experiencing. I'm living a brand new life with this light-child. We are truly blessed.
In the summer I was back to work and the challenges of keeping my teaching business going in a changing economy. Chris has been working so hard as well, to grow his business and we have been challenged in so many ways to find the energy and balance to keep it all going - life, work, parenthood, and practice. It's not always easy. Many days we are just plain pooped! But, we still found time to celebrate at the end of this year. We had a small tree, lit up and surrounded with gifts....how fortunate we are. We spent time with family and friends, and watched the ball drop with our loved ones welcoming 2010!
I am filled with hope again. Even though I still find myself worried sometimes in the middle of the night, I find a way back to my breath and my center again. I'm inspired in so many ways and I know this will be another amazing year, filled with discoveries for Grace, tragedies and triumphs for all of us. I have no resolutions. I know better than that. But, I do have intentions and visions for this year. Whatever I wish for myself, I also wish for everyone....and it feels better not to keep it just for me. I'm grateful that I get to say these intentions out loud so often in classes, and in conversation....and, now here....
I WISH FOR ALL.....
Health
Happiness
Abundance
Creativity
LOVE
Happy 2010 friends and family.
LOVE always,
Karin
PS Here's a poem, from the Sufi poet Hafiz, that I've been reading in class this week, that inspires me for this year....
YOUR SEED POUCH
Lantern hang from the night sky
So that your eye might draw one more image of love
Upon your silk canvas before sleep
Words from Him have reached you
And, tilled a golden field inside
When all your desires are distilled
You will cast just two votes:
To love more, and be happy
Take these words from the mouth-flute of Hafiz
And mix them in your seed pouch
And when the moon says it's time to plant
Why not dance
Dance and Sing?
In the beginning of the year, Chris and I started our birth classes as we prepared for the birth of our baby. It was a time filled with hope and excitement. I kept working, teaching and dancing throughout my pregnancy, happy to take the baby along with me. I loved sharing my life with her.
In January, we celebrated as President Obama was inaugurated into office. I'm felt so grateful to be alive in that moment of our shared history. His platform gave us a sense of hope for the future as well.
In March, the doctors told me that I could take the risk to travel to North Carolina again to see my Dad, even though I was more than 27weeks and could go at any time. I had to make the trip because I knew it would be my last chance to see him. He passed away the day after we returned back home, and although I was relieved that he didn't have to suffer any more, I still grieve every day for him. I grieve for the hope that he had held onto all through his battle with lung cancer, to live to see his granddaughter. There are so many moments these days when I think, "Hey Dad, did you see that?", and I think he is here with us watching Grace's amazing accomplishments. It's a good feeling, but, I miss him so much. His death has changed me in so many ways, along with the other major event of this year...
April 28th, after many hours and through a strengfth and endurance I never knew I had, our daughter, Grace, swam into this world. I could write pages of a blog about the experience of her birth (I wrote her birth story, which I will cherish in years to come). I sit back in amazement every day at the truth of her. Her magnificent eyes, her joyful smile, those pudgy legs you just want to take a bite out of....all created from Chris and me, from my body, from our families, nourishing breastmilk, sunshine, fresh air, and LOVE. My Dad, right there in her eyes. My blood in her veins. Infinite energy and spirit lighting up every cell. Her little personality, filled with fire and independence, sweetness and a focused curiosity that penetrates into everything she's experiencing. I'm living a brand new life with this light-child. We are truly blessed.
In the summer I was back to work and the challenges of keeping my teaching business going in a changing economy. Chris has been working so hard as well, to grow his business and we have been challenged in so many ways to find the energy and balance to keep it all going - life, work, parenthood, and practice. It's not always easy. Many days we are just plain pooped! But, we still found time to celebrate at the end of this year. We had a small tree, lit up and surrounded with gifts....how fortunate we are. We spent time with family and friends, and watched the ball drop with our loved ones welcoming 2010!
I am filled with hope again. Even though I still find myself worried sometimes in the middle of the night, I find a way back to my breath and my center again. I'm inspired in so many ways and I know this will be another amazing year, filled with discoveries for Grace, tragedies and triumphs for all of us. I have no resolutions. I know better than that. But, I do have intentions and visions for this year. Whatever I wish for myself, I also wish for everyone....and it feels better not to keep it just for me. I'm grateful that I get to say these intentions out loud so often in classes, and in conversation....and, now here....
I WISH FOR ALL.....
Health
Happiness
Abundance
Creativity
LOVE
Happy 2010 friends and family.
LOVE always,
Karin
PS Here's a poem, from the Sufi poet Hafiz, that I've been reading in class this week, that inspires me for this year....
YOUR SEED POUCH
Lantern hang from the night sky
So that your eye might draw one more image of love
Upon your silk canvas before sleep
Words from Him have reached you
And, tilled a golden field inside
When all your desires are distilled
You will cast just two votes:
To love more, and be happy
Take these words from the mouth-flute of Hafiz
And mix them in your seed pouch
And when the moon says it's time to plant
Why not dance
Dance and Sing?
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