Goodnight Grace

I sat in the rocking chair tonight after feeding Grace and watched her sleeping. I was trying to look closely at her, not just her beauty, which was already making my heart break, but also her presence, the warmth of her being. So many nights I have woken to feed her and hurried back for just a little more sleep. But, tonight I was awake and I just wanted to stay with her a little while longer. Grace slipped into REM sleep and her eyes started to move and her lips parted as she relaxed deeper into my arms. I kissed her face and smelled her hair and when I sat up again to look, her face was twitching into a little smile....she was dreaming. There was a shudder inside of me as I realized in an instant, that there is a depth to this child, in her body/mind. Layers of consciousness. A wide and mysterious depth that I will never be able to really know or touch. This little being, created inside of me, has in her a world I cannot see or understand. And, even as she learns to express herself, and we learn more about her, we can never really know her inner world. She is alone there, with her own impressions, colors, sights and sounds. Images, dreams, messages from her heart, the Source. As I try to even find the words here, I feel at a loss. The indescribable in me, that I have searched for all these years, is the same indescribable in her. The same mystery....all at once amazing and terrifying to me. I feel a bit of sadness, that there is something about my daughter that is untouchable. The same ache I feel inside for my own inner voice....come to me! That is why I practice, ofcourse. That's what I believe so many of us are searching for. What we want to grasp in each other as well. We want to see into each other's souls. But, there will always be that depth, that existential aloneness, perhaps. These days, I think I feel a bit lonely. I think it's because I want to grasp. And, as I said in an earlier post, the letting go leads back to the truth. Letting go, perhaps I may see that all that is in Grace is in me, is in you, in all. And, perhaps it's not so scary and mysterious at all. Perhaps it's very simple, and accessible too. Yes, that feels right. All is communicated through love. It's all right here...if I relax, I can feel it and I don't need to find the words...
So, I kiss her lips once more and breathe her in. And, tenderly place her back into her crib, praying for a smooth landing, and a few more hours of sleep. And, again I thank the child and the Universe for being my teachers. LOVE to all.
Goodnight.